How can we navigate the temperaments of others and work with authenticity?

9 minute read

Recently I have realized that successful projects have less to do with the competencies of the team executing them and alot to do with the dynamics and energy formations of the team. The same boiling water that softens a potato hardens an egg: it is about what we are made of and not the circumstances. Often in work and social spaces we can feel like we are floating in a pot of boiling water made up of different moods and temperaments, demands and desires, and thoughts and actions of others all colliding against ours. During these instances, we may ask what impact do others have on us? When do we lose our vitality, when do we soften and break apart or when do we harden by putting up walls?

In this part 2 of our interview with enlightenment intensive facilitator Peter Harper we continue our focus on the difference between resignation and surrender, listening with an open heart and how we can attract the kind of energy that heightens our potential and gives us the expansion for growth.

see view Mia – During the Enlightenment intensive at the Mandali Retreat Center, I realized that energy is fluid, forever evolving as it flows through us. With energy being so flexible, how can we direct our energy to where it serves us best?

Peter – Where energy serves us best is in the nourishment of our needs. These can be as obvious as air, food, water, as well as emotional and spiritual fulfillment. It is our intrinsic nature to find satisfaction in our life. Energy follows intention; so the first step is to be clear how we wish to direct our energy. This can be into projects, people, traveling and creating a life where we feel safe, abundant and healthy. So a clear intention is essential. When the intention is driven by a passion, a natural enthusiasm is most likely coming from the heart. When energy flows from the heart, there is love, empathy and a sense of divine inspiration. It may even be that you find yourself ‘working’ yet it will have a feeling of purpose, joy and your energy levels will be higher than if you were simply working a job just to pay the bills. Observe, connect with your desires, your passions, direct your energy from the heart and be patient…those are the keys.

Mia – In part 1 of this blog post we spoke briefly about the difference between surrendering and resignation. Whilst surrender usually has a negative meaning, it is not about giving up. You describe surrendering like floating on water, allowing the water to carry your weight, knowing that you are fully supported and safe as you let go. It is the opposite of resignation which is the feeling of giving up and sinking. How can we use the tools in the Enlightenment intensive to turn our feelings of resignation to one of surrender?

Peter – It is exactly, as you said: resignation is a feeling of giving up or not having hope and being emotional about it. Surrender is similar in the quality of non-doing but it has a quality of lightness. Mentally trying to change resignation into surrender will not work, it will become a mind trip. What you can do is to become more rooted in your Self-identity. I like to call it strengthening the silent muscles.

Once you connect with your inner Self, then surrender will come naturally through the door of acceptance. My partner made a beautiful observation to express the difference. We resign ´from´ an external situation. We surrender ´to’ the moment in all its aspects. Resignation is an emotional reaction. Surrender is a state of expansion, opening into an inner space of awareness. There is a coolness about it.

Be careful not to jump into the common spiritual trap to accept/agree to everything that is happening and how other people behave. Healthy acceptance doesn’t mean I become a doormat. Acceptance is a feeling of a relaxed nonresistance while establishing healthy boundaries.

So, exercise your silent muscles. You can do this through meditation and on a daily basis with the practice of presence. This means taking your attention away from the grip of thinking and placing it into your body, your breath or just listening to sounds. The Enlightenment Intensive process is very efficient in connecting with the Self. Once you deepen the connection with your Essential Self, then surrender will come naturally.

Mia – Recently I was working with someone that was very toxic and manipulating and I decided to leave that environment rather than deal with them. We cannot always do this in our social and professional lives where our relations with certain people leave us deflated and depleted of our life force energy. What can we do in these situations to protect ourselves whilst also maintaining a strong supportive relationship with others?

Peter – I recently read that 25% of the population are at some level energy vampires. We all come across them from time to time and as you have said, they leave you feeling energetically depleted. Psychologically, they may be (but not as a rule) in a lot of pain that has been caused by developmental disturbances in early childhood that comes from being brought up in a dysfunctional and unhealthy holding environment. Very often they can be charming, well dressed and obliging. However, they will show signs of being self centered, gossip about others, respond vaguely, lie and guilt trip you. Most of all you will feel drained by their presence. Trust your intuition, your instinct!

When you come across such people the first step is to recognize them and protect yourself by setting clear boundaries. Ideally, you distance yourself physically and emotionally, you can wish them good luck to them on their journey and leave. Do not waste your energy to try to explain yourself or try to change them – you´re very unlikely to succeed.

Often they will find suitable targets and try to exploit them by triggering their guilt, shame and low self esteem. So, it is important also to look within yourself to see if there are any mechanisms that allow vampires to “parasite” from you.

Secondly, understanding how these ‘suckers’ function can help you to be free from their manipulations. One friend of mine, after years in the relationship with a manipulator finally broke through and managed to leave him. Before she did, she literally spent months studying and reading about the manipulations and the mechanisms of toxic relationships. This research helped her to finally understand the whole story. Most importantly, she recognised which emotional pattern of hers made her enter into such a situation.

The Intensive process is a great start to recognizing and transforming those traits in yourself thereby, leaving nothing to get hooked by. However, the best solution is to avoid these people. If this is not possible then set very clear boundaries and don´t waste your time trying to explain yourself or argue. They may try it on a few times, but if they do not succeed, they will search for someone else to hook into. It is natural and healthy to keep clear boundaries as this conveys a quality of genuine respect towards everyone.

Mia – What do you think happens to our sense of belonging and our overall sense of emotional well-being when we shut down and stop listening to each other.

Peter – When we start to shut down we disconnect from our essential Self. When this happens we alienate ourselves from our core and our sense of belonging moves towards a feeling of isolation. This is often caused when our needs, in some area of our life, are not being met and nourished. There can then follow an emotional reaction such as anger, depression or fear. If the emotional investment continues, this will then lead to a deepening of the emotional suffering which may eventually manifest as dis-ease in the body. As our contact to our essential Self becomes more distant the dis-ease will increase. The more we identify with the emotional pattern that is creating the isolation the greater the sense of isolation and emptiness. It then becomes a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break loose from.

It is common for people in this state to turn to external sources of gratification in order to feel at ease. These tactics may provide a temporary relief and do not work on the long term.
Our well-being becomes damaged and this can manifest in a number of ways. Depression, illness, anxiety; these emotions can be over whelming and dominate your experience.

The good news is that it is possible to reverse the trend and to restore balance by returning your centre of identity to your Essential Self and away from negative internal dialogue. Placing your attention from the life situation to your inner Self is core but it does not mean you have to do it alone. If you feel the need for help, make sure to ask the ‘right’ people or specialists. Sharing with others is a powerful way to lighten the load and share the burden.

Mia – How can authentic listening be a key enabler to living a successful and fulfilled life?

Peter – Authentic listeners listen to others with an empathic quality when they are in contact with themselves and present. They listen to their inner guidance (inner voice) which leads to a meaningful and alive interaction with others and naturally to an easier, richer and fuller life.
Authentic listening is a quality of the heart. It is an essential key to a deep feeling of satisfaction. It empowers us to follow our true nature, intuition and to have a deep feeling of being connected to a source of fulfilment. Ironically, it is not in any way dependent on our life situation. Authentically listening to myself and feeling connected to my heart naturally enhances my ability to empathically listen to others.

Peter Harper is the founder of The Drunken Monk and currently lives in the Pre Alps of Northern Italy where he divides his time working at The Mandali Retreat Center and his recording studio where he produces Conscious Music and Guided Meditations.